


Usually I Love with Caution

by AthenianOwl



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 05:13:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29308596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AthenianOwl/pseuds/AthenianOwl
Summary: Kieu My has worked most of her life to craft the persona people think to be the real her. This ice queen impenetrable, never vulnerable, but it is far from who she truly is. Falling for Fatou Jallow slowly chips away at this facade and Kieu My is faced with the terrifying but beautiful process of falling in love.
Relationships: Fatou Jallow & Kieu My Vu, Fatou Jallow/Kieu My Vu
Comments: 48
Kudos: 218





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm mostly writing this for me because I can't stop thinking about Kieu My's perspective, but I hope others like it too. I am new to druck so I hope that I can write everyone in character. I wouldn't say that I'm really a writer just someone who thinks way too much about what we don't get in canon.

When she’d made plans with Zoe to try her hand at baking while watching movies, she thought it would be just the two of them. She likes Finn, just as much as any of their other friends, but when it’s Kieu My with just the two of them she can feel like a third wheel. They probably wouldn’t even notice or care if she left right now, honestly.

She’s considering meeting up with Ismail, but from their Instagram stories, it looks like they’re with Constantin and she’s not in the mood for him tonight. 

Instead she exits Instagram and pulls up Tinder. She’s not even really sure why, though. It’s not like she’s had any luck online or in real life either. The last person she’d hooked up with was a stupid attempt to distract herself from someone else, and that hadn’t even worked.

Kieu My swipes left on yet another guy staring at the camera like he’s trying to seduce it. Not what she’s looking for, at all. No - another swipe left - how hard is it to find someone real? She's not looking for someone cool or superficial. She wants somebody interesting . . . and funny . . . and . . .

Fatou? 

Her thumb hovers over the screen, having been prepared to swipe left again. She sneaks a glance at Zoe, wondering if she’d noticed the shift in Kieu My’s demeanor when she saw the familiar face. Suddenly she’s grateful that Zoe and Finn are too caught up in each other to notice her. 

She turns her attention back to her phone and clicks on Fatou’s picture. Kieu My recognizes the main picture as the one Fatou uses for her Instagram, and although she’s familiar with this image, she still finds herself lingering on it for far too long. 

She can't even really pinpoint when Fatou went from some chill girl at school she hardly noticed to someone she felt nervous around. Maybe when she became friends with Nora? 

She studies the picture, her eyes running over Fatou's face. Sure, she could always objectively acknowledge that Fatou is attractive, but so are many people. And it's not her beauty, or at least not just her looks, that leaves Kieu My feeling incapable of talking to her. 

Her heart rate begins to pick up as she swipes through the other images - one of Fatou reading Manga, of course a photo on her skateboard, and then the last image she can’t seem to move past. It’s simply a selfie of Fatou’s infectious smile and Kieu My has to bite her cheek to keep from smiling right back. 

“Finn, will you go get us pizza?” Zoe’s persuasive tone pulls Kieu My out of her reverie and she tucks her phone away. “I’m hungry. You’re hungry, too, right Q?”

“Uh, yeah.” She hadn’t even realized that the movie had ended. “Um, I could eat some pizza.”

She doesn’t bother listening to them as Finn prepares to leave, focusing on keeping her hands occupied with the loose thread on her jeans instead of reaching back for her phone. She’s so deep in thought that she didn’t even hear the door shut or notice Zoe shifting in her seat so that her full attention was on Kieu My. 

“You should just swipe right already.” 

“Huh?” 

“You’ve been staring at the same picture of Fatou for ages - just swipe right. You know you like her.”

“I -” Kieu My’s defenses flare instinctively and she prepares herself to argue with her best friend. “I never said I like her.”

“No,” Zoe agrees, “only that you think she's interesting. It’s the same thing, Q! Come on, you know you want to swipe right. Tell me I’m wrong,” she challenges.

Kieu My lets out an annoyed sigh. Of course she can't argue with Zoe, not when she's been so open with her about how intrigued she is by Fatou. 

“I don’t know, Zoe. . .” She thinks back to how awkward she was the last time they talked. She had been so proud of herself for calling out to Fatou that night, of the way she was able to talk to her; but after she’d slipped on the skateboard and their hands touched, she felt like she lost all ability to continue their conversation. “What if she isn’t interested in me?” 

“Nonsense!” 

Normally she would agree with Zoe. She hasn't had much experience with people not being interested in her, especially not people that she's shown interest in. And yet she feels as if she can't read Fatou. She's so nice to everyone, she's not sure that it means anything when she treats Kieu My with the same kindness. Sometimes she thinks she sees something in the way Fatou looks at her, but is she just inclined to think everyone looks at her that way? Or seeing what she wants to see? 

Kieu My lets out an aggravated sigh frustrated by how much this girl has her overthinking. 

Zoe takes advantage of Kieu My’s distraction and grabs her phone, quickly swiping right for her. “You’ll thank me later.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After today's emotional rollercoaster, I just wanted to go back to happier times. I was tired of editing it, so hope it's fine :)

She can’t believe the way her Friday has taken such a turn from what she had planned. Even if she had been annoyed with Zoe last week, at least she’d shown up. She should have gone home instead of deciding to wait in Zoe’s room because now she feels like she’s crashing Ava and Fatou’s night.

Her eyes scan the room and it looks as though they had been recording before she’d interrupted them with her arrival. She’s tempted to hit play on the laptop and listen to whatever they had been working on. It had been months since she last heard them singing, but she remembers thinking that Fatou sounded heavenly. She blushes at the memory of being glued to her phone for the live concert they put on. 

She hadn’t expected Fatou to sound so good, although - Kieu My considers the voices she hears from the kitchen - Fatou’s voice sounds good all the time. Especially when she’s smiling. She missed whatever they were talking about but Fatou’s eyes squint from the intensity of her laugh and Kieu My feels a little jealous of the ease with which they interact.

The sound warms her and she’s glad that she’s been able to move past the dread of seeing Fatou after she never matched with her on Tinder. Though, it wasn’t really possible to avoid her when both of their friends shared a flat. 

She’d felt so awkward the first time she saw her after Zoe had taken the liberty to swipe right, but Fatou had just been so simply herself, chattering away. Her consistently pleasant demeanor, a stark difference from the quiet reservation Kieu My’s fears took on in her presence. 

Even now, as she takes a seat next to Kieu My on the sofa, she exudes calm as she casually offers the bowl of popcorn.

She isn’t hungry but she’s glad to have something to do with her hands other than nervously fidget. She tries to focus on the screen and the plot rather than the fact Fatou has shifted so that she’s slightly closer to her. She tries to focus on the words the characters are saying and not the voice in her head that tells her it would be so easy to “accidentally” touch Fatou’s hand the next time she reaches for some popcorn.

There are so many thoughts racing through her mind that she can’t seem to quiet until Ava murmurs “a big meter distance" and causes the two other girls to laugh.

She clasps her hand over her mouth trying to stifle the sound so as not to wake the sleeping girl.

“You’re hardcore, you know.” Fatou is covering her eyes from the gruesome image on the screen.

“Didn’t expect that?” Kieu My asks rhetorically. She wouldn't be surprised if Fatou had underestimated her. It wouldn't be the first time that someone had and probably wouldn’t be the last. It’s a double edged sword, crafting a persona for others, only allowing them to witness a particular version of herself, the party girl whose mind is focused on dancing and aesthetics. "You’re doing well, though.”

“Thank you.”

“There are other things that scare me,” she admits, and when Fatou offers a soft hum encouraging her to continue she adds, “Like talking to girls, for example.”

She can see Fatou glance at her but this time she doesn't say anything. Kieu My hadn't planned on having this conversation, but now that it started she doesn't want it to end.

“Why are you looking at me like that? They are very intimidating.”

“Yeah," Fatou shrugs in agreement, "right.”

She takes her time picking out a piece of popcorn making sure to maintain her composure despite the thumping in her chest as she realizes she can't keep herself from going down this path of conversation.

“You’re into girls, right?”

“Why?”

“Well, do you have any tips?”

“How to flirt with girls, or what?”

Kieu My nods and makes a soft noise of affirmation.

“How do you flirt with boys?” 

Fatou probably wasn't trying to be funny but the question makes Kieu My laugh loudly and her nerves seem to steady. “Not at all. They come by themselves.”

"Of course." She can hear the smile in her voice even if they're not looking at each other. Then there’s shifting and Fatou says, “Okay, you want to know how to flirt with women? Ready for lesbian flirting 101?”

Kieu My mirrors Fatou and adjusts so that she’s fully facing her. “I guess”

“Okay . . .” Fatou clicks her tongue considering where to start “Step one . . . you need to stare into their eyes.” 

Instinctively she squints her eyes, focusing on following through with step one. 

“Aka the death stare,” Fatou joins in with a silly face that makes Kieu My laugh completely unrestrained. It’s the kind of laughter only a few have seen and it amazes Kieu My how Fatou can pull this side of her out. 

Fatou smiles and moves on to step two. “Just casually show your fingernails.” She frames her face with her hands in various poses, but it doesn’t help Kieu My understand this step. 

“My fingernails?”

“Yeah, it’s a sign among girls.” And when Kieu My still doesn’t pick up on it, Fatou adds with a little head bob, “for the sexy stuff.”

Kieu My looks down at her nails. Her long manicured nails that she'd never given a thought to beyond the aesthetic appeal. She clears her throat nervously; it's not that Fatou brought up sex but the fact that she clearly had not thought about it enough.

“But I mean, I think it’s just another dumb cliche, like short hair or a cut in the eyebrow . . . or football.”

“Or skating,” she adds, moving past her awkward realization that her look might be putting out the wrong messages. She giggles at her joke but when Fatou's laughter brings her closer, Kieu My feels her breath catch at the unexpected joy of being the cause of that smile. 

“Yeah, or the skateboard,” Fatou agrees. “In the end it doesn’t really matter who you like, what you’re doing, if it’s a boy or girl. The important thing is just . . . body language . . . feeling the vibes . . . listen to your heart.”

“Bro, what heart.” 

Fatou laughs again, taking a brief pause before continuing. “During my first date with my ex girlfriend, we just hung out six hours at an Italian cemetery, and just were silent the whole time."

“That’s rough.”

“I thought the whole time, 'come on Fatou, kiss her already'. But I just couldn’t do it. … Just awkward gay silence for six hours.”

“In a graveyard.”

“In a graveyard.”

She tries to keep it light, pretending to be a zombie, but once their laughter settles she’s right back to wanting more. It’s becoming harder to appear completely unaffected. 

It would be safer to just focus on the movie now. Be satisfied that she got to start the conversation about liking girls, that she got to make Fatou laugh,but a part of her doesn't want to be so safe. 

“And then?”

"Mmmm, and then," Kieu My can feel her gaze and as nervous as it makes her, she can't keep herself from returning the look. "I took her hand at some point."

"And then?" Her voice comes out as a whisper this time.

"I turned her face towards me..." 

Kieu My reminds herself to keep breathing under the intensity of Fatou's eyes and the soft drawn out manner she's telling this story.

" . . . and kissed her.” 

She tries not to look down at Fatou's lips but she can't keep her mind from wondering what it would be like if she could muster up the nerve to go for it.

“It was such a nice feeling.”

“You, well, so hypothetically, um," she stumbles, not really sure how to ask, "if you had to choose someone from your friends . . . for a date . . . who would it be?”

"I basically don’t date any friends as a rule."

It was a simple and honest response and yet somehow it makes Kieu My feel rejected.

“Me neither." She sits back, creating distance from Fatou. "It’s really hardcore.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is everyone ready for tomorrow? Bc I'm so excited!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a Match!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since I've written for this fic, so it felt a little funny to go back to it. Also this is like 100% Kieu My's POV from stuff we didn't get on screen, so definitely more pressure in writing this. Anyway, hope you like it!

The glow of her laptop is the only source of light in Kieu My’s room. She’d set out to look up a few things on her mind after her last conversation with Fatou, but she’s fallen down a rabbithole, clicking link after link. She hadn’t realized how little she knows about sapphic culture. 

The sun set long ago and she should probably try to get some sleep, but she’s just so fascinated. She considers her fingernails as they clack agains the keys and she recalls the nonchalant way Fatou mentioned sex. Sex wth a girl, something that she had no experience with, but clearly Fatou had.

She pushes the thought away and swaps her laptop for her phone to look at her tinder profile to re-evaluate the vibes she’s giving off with all this newfound knowledge. She’s messaging a girl when a notification of a new match pops up and she lets out an excited breath. 

She’s running on instinct before her mind can catch up with her actions. 

**Lol I thought you hated dating apps**

**I thought I'd try again**

**:)**

The smile from Fatou’s quick response falls as she realizes she doesn’t know how to keep the conversation going. Maybe Fatou only swiped right out of politeness and doesn’t actually want to talk to her. She’s debating between saying more or leaving it alone so that Fatou doesn’t feel obligated to keep talking when another message comes through.

**Still awake this late**

**I never sleep 👻**

Her worries disappear as they continue to exchange messages without delay. Fatou taking the lead and creating a story of Kieu My running a zombie psychiatry, it feels light and easy and fun. Her stomach flutters with excitement as each new message comes through until she's laughing at Fatou describing herself as Axolotl-girl. 

**We'd definitely be a sick combination**

**The terror from the realm of dead and the horror from space**

**Zombie woman and axolotl girl that'd be a nice old school trash horror movie**

**What's Axolotl-girl doing today?**

**Mmm nothing yet**

**Same**

**Go crazy and scare people?**

She can hear Fatou's sweet voice in her head and the idea of her scaring people seems ludicrous. 

**No that doesn't work**

**Why**

Not with those soft eyes and dimples.

**With the axolotl face  
That's rather cute isn't it?**

Kieu My has no idea how much sleep she actually got. It felt as if though she and Fatou never went very long without sending another message. And although she has to stifle another yawn, her body clearly craving some rest, she doesn't want to say goodbye. 

She feels giddy when Fatou calls her a "fine lady", the closest she's ever come to flirting with her in all the times they've talked. She hopes for more of that although talking about zombies and space makes it a little difficult.

As if hearing Kieu My's thoughts, Fatou's next message comes through and it's far too real.

**I'm meeting up with the girls Wednesday at a table tennis bar on Fraenkel street. Do you want to come too? :)**

She reads the message over three times, hoping to decipher Fatou’s intention with each revision. Was this simply a friendly hang out? Was it a date? She scrolls back up and re-reads all of their messages trying to get a feel for the tone. There wasn’t really any obvious flirting, but, she challenges herself, they did basically stay up all night talking to each other, and that has to mean something. 

She should say something. It’s been minutes, but she just can’t find any words. She’s too scared to say yes. She doesn’t want to say no. 

Her parents are calling her and the pressure to write something, anything feels like too much. 

She tosses the phone aside and goes to see what they need.

***

Kieu My is pacing nervously as she recounts to Zoe her Tinder exchange with Fatou. She blushes when Zoe praises her initiative in starting the conversation, responding to each new bit of information with little sounds of excitement, encouraging her to continue. 

She finally stops and looks directly at Zoe when she reaches the end, the part where she couldn’t tell what Fatou’s intentions were, so she never responded and now it’s been two days and she doesn’t know what to do.

“Kieu My! You never said anything?”

“No,” she admits, covering her face in embarrassment, taking a seat next to Zoe on her bed. 

“She likes you! She was up all night talking to you!”

“But what if I waited too long and now she’s over it? Or if she isn’t, would she even want to see me after ghosting her? What must she think of me?”

Zoe wraps her arms around her best friend and pulls her back onto the bed, she mutters a few cute “aws” unaccustomed to see Kieu My this distraught over a girl. 

“Zoe,” she whines in embarrassment over everything. She takes in a deep breath, allowing herself to continue to be comforted by Zoe. 

“What would I even wear?” Kieu My asks, playing with the idea of actually going. She could explain that she got distracted and apologize for not responding. Maybe she could take Zoe with her so she wouldn’t feel so nervous and alone. 

“That’s my girl!” Zoe jumps off of the bed running to go rummage through Kieu My’s overflowing closet.

Her heart starts to beat faster thinking of seeing Fatou again. A part of her hates the sensation, as it makes her feel less in control of herself; Another part of her feels a thrill at how completely Fatou affects her. The last time they were together, she had wanted to kiss her but she thought she had been rejected. 

Maybe Zoe is right, maybe tonight will be different. 

Kieu My takes out her phone to check Fatou’s instagram, preparing herself to see the girl in person again. She’s too focused on watching Fatou’s Instagram stories that she doesn’t bother responding to Zoe who is talking through trying to choose an outfit. 

“I can’t go, Zoe.”

“What?” She turns to look back at her surprised at the sudden change of mind.

“She’s with Ava. I don’t know why I didn’t think about it before.”

“Oh-” Zoe immediately understands her hesitation. “Maybe you could talk to Ava? She’s really understanding and nice. Ever since I apologized to her, I’ve been able to get to know her, and honestly Q, I think if you talk to her it’ll be alright.”

Kieu My averts her eyes, considering Zoe’s words. She knows that she’s right. She needs to apologize to Ava. It’s something she’s known she’s needed to do for a while now, but hasn’t made the effort to do. 

“I don’t think I can do it tonight. I was already nervous to see Fatou, I can’t deal with worrying about Ava, too.” She turns the phone over in her hands, disappointment with her decision settling into her stomach.

“Kieu -”

Kieu My shakes her head, letting Zoe know that her mind is made up and there’s no point in her trying to convince her otherwise. 

“Okay.” She concedes. “Maybe something to drink?”

“Yes!”

She settles back with Zoe, Kieu My’s experience with hiding her sadness better than any filter could, her Instagram story looks like just another girl’s hang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALSO, Kieutou tomorrow!!! I don't know how I'm going to survive.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for New Year's Eve!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was so excited to write this and hope I did it justice. But I'm always so eager to post a new chapter, I don't think I edit as well as I probably could.

Kieu My is still standing in the middle of her bedroom half dressed unable to decide what to wear. A decision she normally weighs carefully has been made even more difficult with the knowledge that Fatou will be at Zoe’s flat tonight. 

She glances at the time and groans with distress recognizing that she needs to hurry up and make a decision or she’ll completely miss ringing in the New Year with her friends.

She shoots Zoe a frustrated text message complaining that she didn’t give her more notice that Fatou would be at tonight’s festivities. This would be the first time seeing Fatou since she completely ignored her invitation to hang out. Kieu My wanted to wear something that would get her attention, hopefully something that would cause Fatou to forget any animosity she felt towards Kieu My for failing to show up at the bar. On the other hand, she doesn't want it to look like she's trying too hard. Fatou hasn’t said anything to her since she extended the invitation on Monday. Maybe that was a sign that Fatou was only being friendly and didn’t care at all that Kieu My never responded. 

She runs her hands over her face with frustration before looking herself over in the mirror trying to remind herself of who she is. She’s stronger than this, stronger than an indecisive, anxious mess who can’t even choose an outfit because of a girl. 

She takes in a deep breath and turns to the three outfits she had laid out for herself opting for the one that gave her the greatest sense of herself. The one that makes her feel like the badass everyone knows her to be.

***

Kieu My had made the decision when she walked into the flat she would go straight to Zoe and avoid everyone else. And although she was able to make her body follow this plan, her eyes quickly sought out Fatou’s as they so often did.

At the opposite end of the room, she was surprised to find Fatou staring right back at her. It was only a second that they were staring into each other’s eyes before Ismail and Constantin demanded her attention, but the moment felt like an eternity and she soon missed feeling lost in Fatou’s gaze.

She downs the drink Constantin has offered her and allows herself to be distracted by the conversations around her, following the crowd as the celebration moves into the courtyard. Lost in the music, she accepts a shot or two and begins to feel more like her usual self. 

She’s just Kieu My dancing to music surrounded by her friends; just another Friday night. 

But then she realizes that directly in front of her are Fatou and her friends, also dancing to the music. She’s had enough to drink that she doesn’t try to deny the feelings this stirs up for her. Normally, she’d look away or find someone safer to project her feelings onto, but tonight she allows herself to fully admit that she wants nothing more than to reach out to Fatou so that she might turn and dance with her. She’s not brave enough to do anything about it, though. 

Instead she closes her eyes and she can pretend they’re dancing together until Ismail and Constantin’s arguing forces her to open her eyes and she notices that Fatou is gone. 

“I’m fine, I’m just going to talk to her for a minute.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Constantin claps Ismail’s shoulder, walking off with a bottle of vodka. “It’s fine.”

“Nora?” Kieu My asks.

“Yeah,” nodding their head towards Constantin’s wobbling into the crowd searching for his ex-girlfriend.

“What’s going on with him?”

Ismail shrugs and pours another drink. “He won’t talk to me.”

Kieu My doesn’t say anything more, recognizing that Ismail isn’t ready to talk about their frustrations yet. She’s also concerned about Constantin’s behavior lately, but she knows it affects Ismail more intensely. Constantin has made it to Nora and Kieu My’s eyes wander over the groups of people talking and dancing until she sees Fatou talking to Josh and Yara. 

“What about you?”

“Hmm?” Kieu My looks to them.

“Seems like someone’s caught your eye.”

She takes another drag from her cigarette, avoiding a response. 

“Fatou seems pretty cool,” they continue.

Kieu My allows herself to look back towards her. She’d be mortified that she was being so obvious if she wasn’t so intrigued by Fatou. If it didn’t feel like the rest of the world disappeared when she looked at her. Somebody has said something to make her laugh and Kieu My finds herself smiling as if she were there to hear the joke, too. 

She quickly stops when she feels Ismail watching her. 

“She’s cute.” Kieu My admits. 

They smile at her. “She is, isn't she. Maybe I’ll go say hi.” 

“Isi, no!” She hisses at them, but it’s too late and Kieu My is left alone watching Ismail scampering off to join Fatou on a bench. 

*** 

Having been abandoned by her friends, Kieu My pulled out her cell phone and noticed some missed calls from her parents. She tucked herself away in a corner as far away from the commotion as possible in order to call them back, but she’s having trouble hearing much of what her father is saying. The phone cuts out and she puts it away irritated. 

She notices Fatou trying to light a firework and she greets her for the first time tonight.

“Hey.”

“Uh,” Fatuo stands from where she had been crouching. “Hi, Kieu My, uh, everything okay?”

“Yeah, the connection was shit.”

“Do you want to do it too?” Fatou points at the firework beside her.

“If you can manage to light that one.”

Kieu My leans down with Fatou, watching her struggle with her lighter. 

“It won’t work with that.” Kieu My shows off her torch lighter and easily lights the fuse, pulling Fatou away. “Come here.” Her hand lingers on Fatou’s for a second as they stare up at the sky following the rocket’s trajectory. 

“You really can’t see anything.”

“No, not really,” Fatou agrees.

Kieu My’s buzz has passed and she’s starting to feel the familiar sense of awkwardness she gets when she’s alone with Fatou. She takes a second to breathe, finishing off her cigarette before grinding the remains into the ground. 

“You look really . . . nice today, by the way.” 

After being caught up in Fatou’s eyes upon her arrival, she quickly became distracted by her outfit, a departure from her usual look. She’s wearing a dress and a little more makeup than typical. It wasn’t a look she had expected from Fatou and yet she isn’t surprised that Fatou looks equally attractive in this as she does in her other outfits. 

Trying to keep her comment light, she tacks on “Really butch.” But when Fatou begins to laugh, she feels embarrassed. “I said it wrong, didn’t I?”

Her brain wants to spiral into negative self talk and judgment over her inability to remember simple terms when faced with talking to her crush, but Fatou doesn’t allow her to.

“No. No no no no no. Well, no, you didn't. I just find it super interesting how you always research everything. That's so typical Scorpio.”

Her worry is replaced by excitement. She’s never talked to Fatou about these things and yet she knows something so true about her nature. 

“You know my zodiac sign?”

“Uh, yeah,” she stutters out, “well, I know that’s really, really creepy but not as creepy as me with an axolotl face, you know? So it is creepy, but . . . s- sorry.” 

“It’s ok. I don’t know much about astrology anyway. But. . . about astronomy . . . I know a bit more.”

“Really?”

“Yeah I’d just really love to do research on Mars. Preferably forever.”

“You really want to live on Mars?” Fatou asks with curiosity. She doesn’t dismiss Kieu My’s interests, instead engaging her in conversation and Kieu My can’t remember the last time she was able to talk about her love for astronomy with someone. “Isn’t that really uninhabitable? Because there isn’t any food there or anything.” 

“That’s why we need to do research.” 

“True. Unless you have wormholes and then you can go through them to other planets.”

“I don’t think it works like that.”

“Maybe.”

Suddenly she feels wracked with guilt. The ease of this conversation reminds her of their night talking over Tinder ending when Kieu My couldn’t find the courage to meet up with Fatou. How was it that Fatou was here talking to her about her interests without once calling her out for ignoring her these past few days? Were these the conversations they could have been having if she’d only worked up the nerve to go to the bar that night?

She lets out a heavy sigh, uncertain how to proceed, when she notices something in her hair. Something gross, but an easier subject to focus on than addressing the conflict between what she wants and what she feels capable of doing. 

“Ew, what is that? Is that chewing gum? Fuck.”

“Can I help you?” Fatou offers.

“Can you?”

“Ok.” 

Fatou takes the piece of hair out of Kieu My’s hands and works on carefully removing the gum from her hair. “You have no idea what my brother put in my hair before. There was some really gross stuff in there.”

She works her fingers softly over Kieu My’s hair, her voice soothing as she recounts her experiences and Kieu My feels overwhelmed by her proximity. She’s so close, so sweet. The second Fatou’s dropped the gum on the ground, Kieu My lets herself give into the desire she’s been holding back for months. 

She reaches out for Fatou’s chin and pulls her face towards her own, kissing her with intention. The feel of her lips sends the butterflies in her stomach fluttering everywhere and when she feels Fatou’s lips move against hers, reciprocating the kiss, a smile lights up her face. Their lips separate for a second, but Fatou makes no move to pull back, receiving the next kiss with as much enthusiasm and the way their noses graze makes Kieu My want to melt. 

Her hand cradles Fatou’s cheek and she considers letting her hand fall further down to her neck to deepen the kiss, but Ismail’s voice calls out to her and she breaks away looking to see what they want. 

“We want to go!”

She looks back to Fatou for a second before rushing off after them. 

“Hey, Ismail, chill. I’m coming.”

***

If Ismail had seen anything, they didn’t let it show. The entire walk from Zoe’s flat to the park by Constantin’s home they talked about many things, but never Fatou. Constantin continued to drink and appeared to have fallen asleep on the bench meanwhile Kieu My and Ismail shared a cigarette staring at the sky.

The kiss replays in her mind again and she laments Ismail’s interruption of the best first kiss she’s ever experienced. The silence is overbearing and she can’t contain her thoughts any longer.

“I kissed Fatou.”

“Yeah?” Ismail turns on their side ready for Kieu My to share more.

She nods her head, considering what else she wants to share. “It was . . .” she throws her arm over her eyes embarrassed by all the words that come to mind that describe the kiss - magical, perfection, everything . . . 

“How did it happen?”

“She was taking gum out of my hair an-”

“That’s disgusting,” Ismail laughs. “Taking gum out of your hair?”

“I know,” Kieu My laughs too. “It was so gross, but she did it with no hesitation, and it was really nice of her to do that, and then she was right there.” She breathes in recalling the smell of fireworks being set off right before she reached out for Fatou. “And I kissed her.”

“I’m proud of you, Q, going after what you want.” Ismail sounds a little pensive, his voice drifting off for a second. “So what is this? Do you like her? Or is it just because you couldn’t get over how good she looked tonight? You know you kept staring at her all night.” They tease her trying to see how Kieu My’s face reacts to their statements.

“She looked so good, right?” She smiles widely, reveling in the joy of being able to share this with someone. “I like her Ismail. I really like her.” 

This is the first time she’s said it aloud to anyone, to even herself. Whenever she’s talked about Fatou with Zoe, she’s kept it at saying Fatou was interesting or funny or could be a good friend. But it’s so much more than that. 

“Yeah? What do you all talk about?”

“Anything.” She runs her hand across the grass beneath her, eyes to the stars. “Astrology, astronomy, movies, and animals. She’s really funny and sweet and genuine. She’s just so real and honest. . . we talked about dating girls.”

“Do you want to date her?”

Kieu My considers the question she hadn’t thought of before now. Up until tonight, she considered Fatou a crush that she’d have to get over, something that would never be an option. She knows she wants to keep having conversations with her. She definitely wants to kiss her again. But dating? She hasn’t done that in a while and it’s never really gone well. 

She shrugs with uncertainty.

“We should get Constantin home,” Kieu My informs Ismail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kieu My had it bad from the start, right? We can all agree about this?


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kieu My goes through her own hell week and it hurts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think we ever find out exactly what happened with Kieu My's parents's shop and the police or whatever so I wrote what I thought could have happened. I was really nervous about writing it at first but I think I really liked it in the end.

“Shit,” Kieu My mutters to herself with frustration looking over her now broken nail. If it wasn’t bad enough that she’d spent all weekend with her parents trying to remove the reminders of the events of New Year’s day in their shop, this had to happen. 

Kieu My tosses the sponge back into the bucket of water and sits back staring at the half erased message across the drinks cooler. “Go back t-” She’d focused on removing the most emotionally laden words, but she still feels them there. On the glass, in their shop, everywhere. 

She’d spent most of her New Year Day in bed, hungover and oblivious while her parents had to deal with the consequences of - _of what?_ Kieu My considers. Of being Asian immigrants. 

Cleaning up the mess and debris of ransacked food aisles and broken glass had been tedious and aggravating, but at the end of the day they were material items that could be replaced. What had been harder was accompanying her father to the police station, convincing him that he could and should report this. 

She looks over at the cash register where her parents had been focused on restocking and the gentle way they murmur to each other. She’ll never understand how someone could be filled with so much hate to hurt a stranger and his livelihood. Especially not someone as sweet and kind as her father. 

Kieu My can’t hear his words, but the way her father’s hand squeezes her mother’s shoulder, she’s certain that he’s reassuring her that everything will be okay. Even with a bruised hand and black eye, he’s comforting her; being the rock of the family he always has been. 

She returns to scrubbing away the last of the graffiti, the assertion that Kieu My and her family don’t belong here, that they aren’t good enough urging herself to not let these words seep in. 

***

Done cleaning, Kieu My is doing what she’s done every second of her free time this weekend - stare at Fatou’s latest text message. She’d been busy cleaning when Fatou had sent it, but it had been the perfect thing to have waiting for her when her day had ended. It was so simple and yet the way it made her smile after a day in which she thought such an act would be impossible surprised her. 

Fatou seems to surprise her a lot, actually. From the way she makes Kieu My laugh so easily and although Fatou can trip over her words in person, she hasn’t shied away from Kieu My, often taking the lead in their conversations. 

There are no words with this message, but it’s a clear call to their New Year’s Eve kiss, the filter depicting gum being inflated into a bubble. 

Her stomach churns with worry at a loss for what to say back. This wasn’t the usual response she got after kissing someone at a party, if she ever even got a response. Sometimes she’d never hear from the guy again. And the times that they would message her, it was never something so good-humored. If they messaged her, it was usually late at night asking her for a repeat.

Meanwhile Fatou hasn’t waited a full day before messaging her something so simple, asking nothing of her, only acknowledging what happened between them. And she has absolutely no idea what to say. 

**Kieu My**  
Zoeeee, I still haven’t said anything to Fatou  
Can we get coffee and talk?  
Nails too?

***

Of course the universe would play Kieu My like this. She had finally decided that she needed to talk to Fatou in person because there was no way to explain in a text message that she’d been too busy dealing with xenophobia to respond to her text message all weekend. She had been looking out for her all day at school, but the first time she sees Fatou is surrounded by her friends and the determination she’d had to speak with her is suddenly gone. 

She goes directly to her parent’s shop after school regretting her inability to just approach Fatou and explain the craziness in her life right now. Regretting not responding to Fatou’s invitation to meet up because now she’s questioning how she could think that saying nothing would be better than admitting that she’s too busy right now. 

She drops her head to the cool counter, eyes closed, taking advantage of how slow it is in the shop right now. She can’t find the way to turn all of the thoughts and feelings swirling in her head into words and sentences to explain to Fatou what she’s going through. She hadn’t been exaggerating when she told Fatou that talking to girls was something that scared her beyond horror movies. 

Following step one of Fatou’s Lesbian 101 had been easy because looking to Fatou any chance she had was involuntary. And the kissing also seemed to come naturally once Fatou was so close to her. 

She recalls step two - “show your fingernails” - and dramatically cries to herself with embarrassment. She hears Fatou’s voice _for the sexy stuff_ as she looks over her hands. She couldn’t even muster the courage to respond to a text message, but when the nail tech asked her if she wanted to fix her broken nail, Kieu My asked her to remove them all, opting for short nails. . . because. She cradles her head in her hands considering that the motivating force was her desire to be prepared. 

_Fuck it_ , she lets out a deep breath. Kieu My can’t find the words to text Fatou, but there’s something she knows she can do. She sets up her phone and takes a photo of her hands, hoping she’s striking the balance between subtlety and grossly obvious. She posts it with no regard to her aesthetic and hopes that Fatou can read what Kieu My is trying to say.

***

“What’s going on with you?” Ismail asks, Kieu My after she’d been silently petting their cat for the past few minutes. 

“Mmm,” she murmurs, still lost in her thoughts, considering what she wanted to tell Ismail. 

Should she detail the exhaustion she's feeling after another long day at her parents' shop. Of the toll code-switching for hours between the regular Vietnamese customers and the German customers who now all looked like potential assailants to her. It wasn't uncommon for her to switch languages and demeanor based on who she was talking to, an act that carried over into all her interactions, including with her peers, but since the attack at her parents' shop this behavior feels even more necessary to protect her physically and not just emotionally. 

And if that wasn't enough to think about all day, her spare time was then consumed with thoughts of Fatou. Sometimes it was the pleasant memory of kissing her but then that always gave way to the anxiety over not having talked to her since. 

She lets out a deep breath. “It’s Fatou.”

“Yeah?”

“She asked me if I got her texts because I never responded and I froze. Told her I’d text her later, but never did.”

“Are you not interested anymore?”

“I just don’t know what to say to her.”

“Hey, let’s make out. I’m sure she’d say yes.”

Kieu My glares at them from across the bed. Normally she’d probably laugh, but she’s too annoyed with herself.

“Huh.” Ismail says with intrigue before playing a voice chat on their phone. Fatou’s voice fills the space and Kieu My’s eyes stare at the phone, as though Fatou would appear before her. She’s asking Ismail about the buyer for Maike.

Without hesitation, Ismail responds to Fatou and Kieu My’s annoyance with herself grows, jealous of Ismail’s ability to answer Fatou so quickly. She had returned her attention to Mischa, trying to ignore Fatou’s voice, ignoring the conversation happening before her, but then she hears the sound of Ismail’s camera and realizes that they’ve sent Fatou a photo of her. 

“Ismail!”

“What?” they sound genuinely confused. “She sent a photo of Maike!”

“I said I’d text her and never did!”

Ismail reaches out for her phone. “Here, I’ll text her for you.”

“No, I got this.” Kieu My pulls the phone closer to her and goes for a cat gif, an ice breaker before she tries to talk to her. 

She starts typing out an apology for having taken so long to respond, but she deletes that. She tries again, with something light, but it feels so wrong. Kieu My can feel Ismail watching her type and delete over and over again. 

“I’m gonna go.”

“Q, I’m sorry, please don’t go!” Ismail calls after her pointlessly. She’s already put her shoes back on. 

“It’s fine. It’s late. I should go home.” She doesn’t bother saying goodbye as she walks out the door, her phone tossed into her bag.

***

Kieu My’s bad mood had rolled over from last night at Ismail’s house to all day at school. She’d snapped at her parents on the way to school and she’s been mostly silent all day, half listening to the others talking. 

Fatou never responded to her cat gif and as disappointing as this is, Kieu My can’t really say that she blames her. It’s been a week since their kiss and Kieu My hasn’t said much to Fatou since then. 

“Guess what I heard.” Constantin tells the group, taking a seat directly in front of Kieu My. He doesn’t bother waiting for anyone to make any guesses before continuing. “I heard that you kissed Fatou.”

Her eyes widen with complete shock looking between Zoe and Ismail, the only two people she’d told about their kiss. 

“Oh, god, it’s true.” Constantin laughs at the look on Kieu My’s face. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

She quickly composes herself again, her face void of emotion, before responding cooly. “You don’t have to know everything.”

“Are you embarrassed or what?”

“Shut up!” The insinuation that she would be embarrassed pushes a button and her irritation is evident again. But she knows that this will only encourage Constantin to keep asking questions and she’s not ready to talk about this with him. She switches tactics again, trying to keep the conversation casual. “Come on as if you guys had any flirtations recently.”

“Well I’d rather not flirt at all than flirt with some girl who has brain damage from smoking weed, man.”

“It was just a stupid new year’s kiss, ok? Chill.”

Kieu My was feeling grateful that she’d finally made Constantin drop it, but she realizes his eyes are looking past her and when she turns to see what has his attention, her heart drops into her stomach. Standing close enough that there was no possibility that she hadn't heard everything was Fatou. 

Their eye contact is brief as Fatou quickly turns around and Kieu My is trying to process the mess she's created. 

Almost immediately, though, Fatou has turned back and her face is hard, in a way Kieu My never expected it could be. 

“I always defended you and said that you were different than them. Crazy how I didn’t see how fake you are Kieu My.” 

Kieu My stares after her, feeling sick to her stomach. The guilt she felt at hurting Fatou with her words is now accompanied by shame and anguish. There's no way for Fatou to know, but being called fake was probably one of the most hurtful things she could say to Kieu My.

It's the one thing she desperately doesn't want to be and yet doesn't know how not to be. She isn't brave like Fatou. She isn't able to just speak her mind or do whatever she wants with no regard to the consequences. Her mind is always thinking of the consequences. 

She'd spent the entire week considering how to respond to Fatou wanting to choose the right words at the right time, wanting to make sure she didn't screw things up and she cannot believe that this is what Fatou heard from her first. The lies she told Constantin in order to protect herself have just ruined the potential happiness she'd been trying to preserve.

The urge to cry is growing and she might have let the tears fall right there in front of everyone if the sound of Constantin's laughter didn't enrage her.

She gives him the coldest look she can muster before hitting him with her bag as she stands up.

"Thanks, Constantin."

She walks off in the opposite direction of Fatou, headed for the restroom where she doesn't have to worry about everyone looking at her. Where she can be alone and let her guard down, to allow herself to feel the enormity of the consequences her cowardice had caused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 😭😭😭 we know Kieu My felt like absolute shit after she didn't protect Fatou and said the kiss meant nothing.
> 
> Gosh I'm looking forward to getting back to happy Kieutou fluff soon after this, as much as I love writing the angst I want the fluff!

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoy it please drop a comment because even though I'm writing this for myself it feels good to get support if people like it.
> 
> Oh also i have tumblr now if you wanna say hi vvsapphic


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